Question about love in lifestyle

[wannabeXopsed]

I have to agree with Mobius that web site is filled with great information for Dom's as well sub's. Good luck

T

[Belatu]

That site was a big help, thanks alot! I still am having a few problems with guilt, but hopefully we can deal with that over time with communication.

[slavelucy]

Wow, yeah, love and BDSM is such a tricky concept. i've thought about that a lot in the past. Someone i recently told about my predilections asked (roughly) how any of us could believe that someone who would control them, own them, speak roughly (at times) to them and even hurt them...could ever love them. i have attempted to intellectualize the point for so long and so hard, but never really getting anywhere. In the end, i said i felt more loved and even..highly prized (yikes) as a sub than in any other capacity...to be loved for who i am and what i need DS wise. Having said that, that's not to say i can't also be loved for all the many other things i am, being M/s doesn't preclude you from still loving lots of other things about someone. In the end, i know this sounds irritatingly simple...but it's just a different kind of love, but it doesn't mean it's any less pure or doesn't inherantly contain all other kinds of love within it, i just believe that if anything, it's intensified by feelings of protection, ownership, a desire to please (on either side, actually) and giving someone what they really need..and far from taking anything away from it, it only serves to add to it.

As for guilt, all i'd say is this - firstly, everything i just said above and accepting that it's a different but no less important kind of love should go some way to helping, secondly, even being 24/7, doesn't, IMHO, prevent you from enjoying the other parts you enjoyed before (humour, fun, conversation etc).

Probably makes no sense, but that's my take on it all the same.

Hope it all goes well for you.

sl

[Belatu]

Thanks for the advice. . .It does make sense, I just need to realize that this is what she wants too. Guilt is more because I enjoy it and feel selfish, I just need to realize its not just for me. Sort of had an epiphany today. . .Thanks for the advice! Has helped alot.

On a slightly seperate note, if anyone has any ideas for creative punishments that are not too painful (her pain tolerance is VERY low at the moment), please let me know!

Thanks so much! This board has been a huge help

[Ruby]

Thought I'd jump in since I'm madly in love with my partner of 20+ years.
We don't have a 24/7 BDSM relationship, but when we "play" now that's another story.

When my husband and I play, sometimes pain can be a gift.
A little mind you, cause I'm not one for lots of pain, either.
But you've heard the expression - "It hurts so good."
Yeah, that kind of pain and everyone has their own threshold. There is a big difference between "slap and tickle" and "bruised and battered".
To each couple they find what they enjoy and want. One girl's bruise is another's proof of ownership.

Whether you turn your play into 24/7 or not, if you are finding yourself filled with guilt or your partner filled with fear, then neither of you will be satisfied and the relationship has gone past healthy. You are wise to be thinking about this and asking questions now.

That said, if you MUST punish her, because that is the role you two decide you want to have, then ask yourself are you punishing her for fun -
as in -- "You've been naughty slave."
"Yes, I have, Master, please, please show me the error of my ways."
Spank, spank, whip, whip, ending in lots of joy for both of you
or for real.
If then, please leave your anger out of the punishment. Time outs are good for both parties.

Communication is key.
What does she consider punishment and what play?
What about you?
Hard limits should stay hard.

Remember - not all punishments deal with pain nor should they.
If she likes pain, don't reward her with it.
If she doesn't like pain, you may not want to punish her with it, and slip into that cycle of guilt and fear.

Instead you can try other things:

1. Tie her up, tease her and leave her unsatisfied.
Just sitting next to her, watching her, and her knowing that she can't come for a certain period of time can be wicked.

2. No masterbating for a day, couple of days...

3. Taking away favorite toys, movies or privileges

4. Giving her too much pleasure...forced orgasms.

5. A few well placed clothespins - a few, not a hundred.

There's tons of ideas out there in stories, on other threads, etc.
More links to check out:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...sponsibilities -- Submissive vs Slave

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...sponsibilities -- Dom vs Master

http://www.cuffs.com/whippingposts.htm
Another site with excellent articles and stories.

http://www.cuffs.com/davealexus.htm
BDSM love stories by Master Dave and Alexux
-- Read them with your partner for inspiration

I wish you the best as you blossom and grow into your relationship.

[Belatu]

Thanks Ruby! Your suggestions and links have been a HUGE help!

[Ruby]

Thanks Ruby! Your suggestions and links have been a HUGE help!

You are most welcome. Thank you for bringing up this subject, it applies to so many of us. Please keep us posted on your progress and what you discover. I thought your ephany was a huge step!

Reading Slave Lucy's post reminded me of the many ways I find value in myself.
*** Thanks SL ***

[Ranai]

...it's just a different kind of love...

slavelucy's words made me think of this book

William Brame, Gloria Brame, Jon Jacobs: Different Loving. A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission.

It portrays various people who practise various BDSM activities and fetishes 'as they see themselves: loving and compassionate individuals'. Perhaps it would be an interesting read for you & Slave Violet.

Best wishes