Lost and confused?

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08-10-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

Lost and confused?

Hello all. I have a billion questions so I figured this would be the place to start.

1.) Do all dom(me)/sub relationships have humiliation and demeining name calling or is it possible to have this type of relationship without that.

2.) How far do you have to go I understand that there are hard limits and soft limits but If your not comfortable with thing you may have seen or found does that mean this is not for you or can you stay in the kiddy pool so to speak?

3.) Is there a way to find a teacher in stead of a dom(me)/ sub

These are a few of the things racing through my mind. I explored a little last night. I was at a fettish ball and had brought some friends. They weren't in it as much as I was. I met a lot of different people and had a lot of fun but I'm still blurred as to which way I like better. Anyways most of the night I was in control Flogging willing victims teasing and being amused but I really love a good spanking. So I let my composure down and allowed myself to be cropped by this fierce vixen mmm. I really wanted more so I asked to be flogged apparently I caught the attention of the main event dude so he did it for me. then he lifted my skirt and spanked the shit out of my ass he asked if he could bite me and I am a sucker for that so I allowed him. (there is a point I promise) I felt not sexual desire from this I just really enjoyed the sensations. I felt I was fulfilling curiosities conducting my own experiment if you will. He presented me with a pass to the after party but I did decline because I knew I would only want to watch I 'm not ready for participation yet. My friend was so disgusted by my display that she reemed me a new one. I came on last night and talked to some wonderful people who helped because I seriously was on the brink of tears. Thank you to all I spoke to. I didn't sleep well last night ans still kinda feel uneasy. Has or is anoyne felt\feeling like this. I obviously don't have the support I need in my immediate circle and this has become my safe haven.

Any comments or experiences are GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you.
08-10-2008
Ozme52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

Hello all. I have a billion questions so I figured this would be the place to start.

1.) Do all dom(me)/sub relationships have humiliation and demeining name calling or is it possible to have this type of relationship without that.

No, not at all. I, for one, almost never humiliate or demean my sub. No name calling except for one which she adores and is proud of... in the right context. It never humiliates her. But I do do things that embarass her and that makes her very very hot. It depends on where you draw the line between embarassment and humiliation.

Quote:

2.) How far do you have to go I understand that there are hard limits and soft limits but If your not comfortable with thing you may have seen or found does that mean this is not for you or can you stay in the kiddy pool so to speak?

There is no "criteria" for being lifestyle. If you don't want to do something and have told your partner, then you don't do it. You should read up though, on the "difference" between hard and soft limits... some "limits" may make you uncomfortable... (as opposed to out and out "no way, not ever") and you might find your curiosity overcomes your discomfort.

But we all have things we don't want to do. And there will always be someone who does do them... but that doesn't make them either more nor less "bdsmier" than you.

Quote:

3.) Is there a way to find a teacher in stead of a dom(me)/ sub

Yes, absolutely, but pure mentors are hard to come by, at least among doms (and perhaps dommes) because we want to be involved. Because what we do isn't clinical... and how can I teach someone to be a dominant, if there's not a submissive giving herself to me so I can demonstrate... Does that make sense?

That doesn't mean they aren't out there... or that the right set of circumstances couldn't create an opportunity for you... maybe to tag along and see a dom with an established sub, and watch how it's done.

Some subs are very exhibisionist... and would love to be used that way, some would be humiliated... and would love to be used that way... so yes, you might find a pure mentor/teacher situation.

Quote:

These are a few of the things racing through my mind. I explored a little last night. I was at a fettish ball and had brought some friends. They weren't in it as much as I was. I met a lot of different people and had a lot of fun but I'm still blurred as to which way I like better. Anyways most of the night I was in control Flogging willing victims teasing and being amused but I really love a good spanking. So I let my composure down and allowed myself to be cropped by this fierce vixen mmm. I really wanted more so I asked to be flogged apparently I caught the attention of the main event dude so he did it for me. then he lifted my skirt and spanked the shit out of my ass he asked if he could bite me and I am a sucker for that so I allowed him. (there is a point I promise) I felt not sexual desire from this I just really enjoyed the sensations. I felt I was fulfilling curiosities conducting my own experiment if you will. He presented me with a pass to the after party but I did decline because I knew I would only want to watch I 'm not ready for participation yet. My friend was so disgusted by my display that she reemed me a new one. I came on last night and talked to some wonderful people who helped because I seriously was on the brink of tears. Thank you to all I spoke to. I didn't sleep well last night ans still kinda feel uneasy. Has or is anoyne felt\feeling like this. I obviously don't have the support I need in my immediate circle and this has become my safe haven.

Any comments or experiences are GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you.

Some things are best explored by yourself... with people who have definitely said they like doing them. "Friends" are often really just acquaintances... and can disappoint you.

They say only 10% of us human beings enjoy this stuff. So that means at least nine of your friends are going to have the same reaction. Better to explore with people who attend these things on their on volition.
08-10-2008
Euryleia

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

1.) Do all dom(me)/sub relationships have humiliation and demeining name calling or is it possible to have this type of relationship without that.

Of course it is. Every relationship is built on what works for each of the participants. If you're not into humiliation or name calling, then that's a hard limit for you and should be respected by your Dom/me. While I might call my girl some names, they all are prefaced by the word 'My' because I am proud of her and proud that she is mine. I value my possessions too much to degrade them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

2.) How far do you have to go I understand that there are hard limits and soft limits but If your not comfortable with thing you may have seen or found does that mean this is not for you or can you stay in the kiddy pool so to speak?

Most hard/soft limit questionaires have a ranking of interest and willingness. For example:

NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).

0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would be willing to do it to please the Dominant if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit").

1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it were asked of you by your Dominant.

2 means you are willing to do or try this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.

3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.

4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.

5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

There are many sexual activities that I hadn't even heard of much less wanted to experience. With open and honest communication between you and your partners, you can let them know about your fantasies and what you think might like to try and what activities should be tabled until you've developed a better rapport. By no means should you jump right in to the deep end. Enjoy the water while you hold onto the edge and, as you increase the trust, you can go further and further out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

3.) Is there a way to find a teacher in stead of a dom(me)/ sub

Yes, I would recommend that. Look for people whose posts you respect and respectfully approach them for advice or mentoring. Go to your local munches or events in your area and talk to people. Some of them might be willing to teach you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

These are a few of the things racing through my mind. I explored a little last night. I was at a fettish ball and had brought some friends. They weren't in it as much as I was. I met a lot of different people and had a lot of fun but I'm still blurred as to which way I like better. Anyways most of the night I was in control Flogging willing victims teasing and being amused but I really love a good spanking. So I let my composure down and allowed myself to be cropped by this fierce vixen mmm. I really wanted more so I asked to be flogged apparently I caught the attention of the main event dude so he did it for me. then he lifted my skirt and spanked the shit out of my ass he asked if he could bite me and I am a sucker for that so I allowed him. (there is a point I promise) I felt not sexual desire from this I just really enjoyed the sensations. I felt I was fulfilling curiosities conducting my own experiment if you will. He presented me with a pass to the after party but I did decline because I knew I would only want to watch I 'm not ready for participation yet. My friend was so disgusted by my display that she reemed me a new one. I came on last night and talked to some wonderful people who helped because I seriously was on the brink of tears. Thank you to all I spoke to. I didn't sleep well last night ans still kinda feel uneasy. Has or is anoyne felt\feeling like this. I obviously don't have the support I need in my immediate circle and this has become my safe haven.

Did your friend ream you for allowing someone to potentially draw blood with the bite? Someone whose health status you don't know? Other than that, I think that you going to fetish balls is a good way to meet people in the scene and to explore all that you are feeling. As a switch myself, I know that there are a ton of heady emotions from both Dominating and submitting and I hope you enjoy finding out what sensations turn you on best.

Be safe.
08-10-2008
denuseri

1.) Do all dom(me)/sub relationships have humiliation and demeining name calling or is it possible to have this type of relationship without that. No humiliation and name calling are not nessesary alltough some submissives desire it not all enjoy or need it etc

2.) How far do you have to go I understand that there are hard limits and soft limits but If your not comfortable with thing you may have seen or found does that mean this is not for you or can you stay in the kiddy pool so to speak?ther isnt anything at all wrong with the kiddie pool lol, in fact i would advise yu to take it slow and fully savor every moment and or new level to your submission as you go sis

3.) Is there a way to find a teacher in stead of a dom(me)/ subof course there is sis, i have even joked about having a school here for wayward subbies giggles, infact by posting your questions in a way you will find several teachers, some girls prefer to learn directly from a dom or domme and others like to apprentice themselves to a paticular submissive where as others learns by observation and querry, there is no rule that says you must submit to the attentions of a dominant to learn boo

ps, alltough i addressed you as a fellow submissive i know you are new and havent nessesarally picked a role for youself, nor do you have too, its perfectly ok to explore this world without a diffenitive title, people that switch roles are quite common and natural, my owner even says that we are all "switches" in a way
08-11-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

Thank you all for your guidance and support. I myself am enjoying this new world I am exploring and am super grateful to all the support I am getting. I met a local group that night and am considering joining. They do have munches and workshops and a dungeon. I will definatley continue to explore and ask as many questons as possible. I truly appreciate all of the responces and will probably being asking many more questions as I go.

Thank you all again :)
08-11-2008
denuseri

yu are very wellcum sis, anytime boo
08-13-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

New Questions :)

So I have new questions.....

1.) If I allow someone to do something to me or for me to fulfill my desires does that mean that I am submitting?

2.)what is it like to be a Dom(me)/ sub and what do they get out of it?

3.)Where is the line between Domme/ sub?

4.)What are the characteristics of being a Dom(me)/ sub?

5.) How do you know if someone is trust worthy to expore these with?

I truly appreciate all responses and support thank you.
08-13-2008
denuseri

Wow yu got all the toughies, i am gonna have to think my responses out first for these boo,
08-13-2008
Euryleia

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

1.) If I allow someone to do something to me or for me to fulfill my desires does that mean that I am submitting?

You can negotiate the parameters of your submission for a particular scene (say a spanking), or for an hour or an evening, or for life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

2.)what is it like to be a Dom(me)/ sub and what do they get out of it?

You answered this question in your previous question--you get to fulfill your desires. Whether you are on Top or on bottom or switch between the roles, you are enjoying the erotic possibilities.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

3.)Where is the line between Domme/ sub?

The line is where you negotiate it to be. Do you only want to do D/s in the bedroom? Do you want the littlest things in your life controlled or to control their lives? You also have to balance with real life--most of us still have to work for a living, deal with family issues, and take care of ourselves in addition to whoever we partner with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

4.)What are the characteristics of being a Dom(me)/ sub?

There are as many ways to Dominate and submit as there are people in the world. It just depends on what floats your boat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

5.) How do you know if someone is trust worthy to expore these with?

You build that trust over time. It doesn't just happen and it does take work. Don't think that you can just turn a switch and you will be a slave or an owner. As you get to know a play partner, each time you can open yourself a little more.

Hope that helps.
08-13-2008
In2kink

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

1.) If I allow someone to do something to me or for me to fulfill my desires does that mean that I am submitting?

Certain things push buttons for each of us. Certain activities produce meaningful feelings of submission for submissives. So if you allow someone to do something to you that produce meaningful submissive feelings then yes, that is submitting. Consent is an over arching principle in BDSM, D/s relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

2.)what is it like to be a Dom(me)/ sub and what do they get out of it?

I assume that you are asking what does the Dom(me) get out of the interaction. I won’t presume to answer for all dominants because we are all different and unique. For me I enjoy the power exchange, another human being willing giving over to me her freedom of choice in certain areas of her life and behavior. I also find mentoring someone, helping them discover new things about the lifestyle and about themselves rewarding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

3.)Where is the line between Domme/ sub?

The submissive exchanges power with the Dom(me) and in return ideally the Dom(me) provides experiences which allow the submissive to feel controlled and to have submissively significant emotional experiences

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

4.)What are the characteristics of being a Dom(me)/ sub?

While there may be similarities between dominants and similarities between submissives, given that we are all unique individuals with personal and special perceived needs and wants, it would be difficult to provide a list of characteristics. I think such would be at best a generalization.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

5.) How do you know if someone is trust worthy to explore these with?

There is really no difference between BDSM relationships and relationships in general where it comes to the issue of trust and trust building. Trust is a process by which a foundation is laid and then built upon. I think you must enter into a dialogue with a person you are considering and ask questions to get an idea of where they are coming from to see if there seems a possibility they might be right for you. If it seems so, then you start slowly with them and explore, learning as you go whether they seem to genuinely care for you and will allow you to progress at a comfortable pace. Always trust your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable then you should pay attention to it.
08-13-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

Thank you all for your replies. I will reflect on all I have learned so far as well as your guidance. I promise I have more questions to come and appreciate all imputs.

Thank you again. :)
08-13-2008
denuseri

1.) If I allow someone to do something to me or for me to fulfill my desires does that mean that I am submitting?not nessesaraly it depends on the circumstances,

2.)what is it like to be a Dom(me)/ sub and what do they get out of it?
for me it is simply a wonderful feeling of both helplessness and freedom to submit its my purpose in life and by doing it i feel the greatest of satiffactions

3.)Where is the line between Domme/ sub? look there, see that welt on your bottom, thats the line lol, no seriously the line is something you and your domina must work out between you, its as uniquely placed as all the subtle nuances of any relationship sis

4.)What are the characteristics of being a Dom(me)/ sub? many and varied boo, i think a dom should be strong, protective, wise, inovative,empathetic, and vigelint, with lots of resolve, conversely i believe a sub should be spirited, creative, disiplined, insightful, giving, and passionate with lots of patience, of course these traits are interchangable and only catch the bare essence

5.) How do you know if someone is trust worthy to expore these with?when they untie me when we are done so i can get a smoke, no really i am serious they must be willing to set me free when its done, also more importantly when i see the love i have for them reflected back by thier own eyes despite the harder exterior all dominants possess with thier piercing gazes

just my personal take on these sis,
08-16-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

Ok so please forgive me part of this is a rant and the other part contains more questions.

I feel like a better person since I first explored this site. By talking to such amazingly supportive people I feel much less ashamed of closeted about my self. However, my new found interest has brought opposition from my friends and family. I really do talk about it to them because of this but some how they still find out. All they see are the kinks and "sex" but my fascination is much more about the dynamics of Dom(me)/ sub relationships. I just want to fully understand it because this is totally new to me. I feel like a kid in a candy store with so many flavors to explore. I know some I will never like some might look scary but I would probably dig and there are the ones I know I like. Right now I feel a bit limited because I am so new and inexperienced as well as doing this all solo. Maybe this would be easier with a partner to go exploring with but that’s just not an option. I know that I could be taught and molded into either role but I am also scared. I'm afraid of loosing parts of myself. I built my self to be free and fierce blunt and strong but I'm also needy and like when people fix the bad stuff so to speak. I have been looking at the dynamics of previous relationship and see this power exchange. I am afraid to just submit and lose control I have for myself but would be willing to if I met the right person. Also I don’t feel confident enough to Domme someone because I am inexperienced and understand how much trust is involved and don’t want to take that lightly or misuse or hurt anyone. I don’t want to give up I'm just frustrated. Lastly of my issues is I love sex but I can bring myself to be with just anybody. I usually require monogamy because in my vanilla life I'm sexually intense. I open myself up and so does the other person and we have this weird connection where we experience each others feelings. That along with my fear of STD's keeps me in masturbation land lol. I guess I just wanted to know if others feel this way or have been here before. What are your recommendations on educating myself more? What is expected out of online relationships vs. real life? All replies are greatly appreciated!
08-17-2008
denuseri

Oh sweetie,

the begining is allways hard, i cant be as open with my way of life with my own family, i know reading about bdsm in various books and publications really helped me as the more i learned the more i grew into my submission

many people have strong oppinions about online relationships, i know they can be a great way to explore what kinds of things you like safely as opposed to running out and trying them in real life,

alltough i see a lot of online only relationships and or short "pairings" some of them like our sites administrators Torq & delia really inspired hope in me that online relationships can and do successfully proceed to "real life"

i do however, especially for a novice person strongly reccomend NOT setteling down with any online dom/domme that would restrict your access to information by not allowing you to explore all available rescources, (such as this site etc) i have seen some people restricted access in this manner online, especially when it comes to speaking with other people in the community including role plays etc and it is a clear sign the prospective dominant is actually insecure in thier own knowledge base and or threatened by the idea that you will go off with someone else and or learn somthing that contradicts thier personal views

basically i would advise avoiding submission to any that want to limit your knowledge base

i reccomend patience, read the threads here in the forums, there is a lot of useful information, you will be surprised at the diversity involved,

also some book stores have some really good scources of information, even at Barnes and Nobles we have an erotic/educational literature section since working there i have been spending more and more time in it lol(availability depending on the local laws in your area)

personally i found that a lot of information was hidden from plain site in works of fiction : i reccomend anything written by (John Norman in his Chronicals of Gor series) alltough its a fantsy/scifi series it has some wonderfully bueatiful views on Dom/sub relationships, the (Story of "O") is of course another classic, i really like Anis Nin as well as a lot of other works

for tutorials of a more technical nature i would defer to the many people here that have found actuall books on those subjects, more are printed every day

there are also some online rescoures listed in the links in the "other glosseries" section of the forums, google and boolean serches can also net you lots of useful things despite being hard to shift through

as allmost all of my own knowlege in technical areas was gained in real life, the hard way and at more than some risk at times i cant really add to much in that department outside of what i spoke of above

PLUS> a great fun way to try out different aspects of this way of life may just be the task/taskee thread, which used to be the bdsm academy, if exploring your submissive side the tasks provided may be very self enlightening as well as exciting (winks

as a member of the H&HSC and Abuse Support Sancturary i take mentorship seriously and just like the rest of the staff and many others here i am allways willing to lend a hand, so feel free to pm me

good luck
hugs and kissess
denuseri
08-17-2008
Wordsmith

wow...good questions. And a good place to find some answerers. I say some answers not THE answers for the simple fact that in this life...there are few questions with only one correct answer.

Quote:

1.) If I allow someone to do something to me or for me to fulfill my desires does that mean that I am submitting?

Not necessarily... it all depends on the relationship between you and the other person. If I allow my sub to fulfill one of my desires, I am still the Domme. It is all about the dynamic that is established and the attitude or point of view of the participants.

Quote:

2.)what is it like to be a Dom(me)/ sub and what do they get out of it?

3.)Where is the line between Domme/ sub?

4.)What are the characteristics of being a Dom(me)/ sub?

I grouped these three questions together for the simple fact that my answer to them is all the same. The basic answer is "it all depends on YOU." What it's like to be a Dom(me)/sub/Switch and what you get out of it depends on what you're personal style and wants and needs and how much you put into it. The line between Dom(me) and sub also depends on you. Each position in the relationship is a gray area that you need to define for yourself and/or with your partner. and as a Switch, that line may be different than as strictly a Dom(me) or a sub. And as to the characteristics of a Dom(me) or sub...ask every person who is a member on this forum and you will get an individual and different answer from each person. That is something you need to define for yourself. And that definition need not be fast and hard. There is always room for growth, change and adaptation in the definitions of things.

Quote:

5.) How do you know if someone is trust worthy to explore these with?

This one is much harder to answer and I'm not sure I have an answer at the moment. The best advice I can give is to observe and ask questions (which it seems you are already doing very well at) and trusting your judgment. Visit the chat, ask questions and observe people in there. Read through the threads and see how people answer threads. That is the best advice i can give a the moment. Someone may have a better/more complete answer to this last question than I can provide.

You have made a very good beginning with these questions and simply by being here. Good luck in your search and by all means...bring on any more questions you have. Someone will have an answer for you.
08-24-2008
Curiouslittleangel14

Not quite sure why I cant wrap my head around this but I think my underlying question is aside from the sexual aspect of Dom(me)/ sub reltionship how does the rest of it go? Is the Dom(me) always in charge of everything and does it always lead back to sex. Is the sub allowed to be an individual or is it completely different. And are slaves really slaves with no right or anything I'm reading some things online and i know BDSM is all based on trust is it the same for slaves or is that a whole different ball park? Sorry if it seems like I'm asking the same questions over again I just don't get it ? Thank you for all replies.
08-24-2008
denuseri

ok sweetie,

the variations are as great as the differences between different relationships, it all depends on the individuals involved,and the limitations they set for themselves, nothing says you have to reliquish your life, some people only D/s during prearanged scenes even,

for myself, i and my owner live very normal everyday lives most all of the time, yet, i am under his dominance 24/7, all day all nite every day etc, even when he isnt standing before me, this doesnt mean i dont have friends or go to the mall or yoga with my sister, i even go to college, i dont sleep in a cage or live in a locked room, my owners will is my leash and collar when in public, my husband/dom/owner and i dont do prearanged scenes so much with defined beginings and endingss, he plans things out a lot dont get me wrong, but my perspective isnt directly needed for his masications and the day progressess as he arranges, and if plans fall through he is very adaptable winks

but when the time's right, when he wants or desires, he brings me into focus as his property real quick, one snap of the fingers or a hand sign or a glance and "poof" or even a casual word, or order in a text message and its as if i am on my knees before him
02-09-2010
kurious-kitten{KM}

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

These are a few of the things racing through my mind. I explored a little last night. I was at a fettish ball and had brought some friends. They weren't in it as much as I was. I met a lot of different people and had a lot of fun but I'm still blurred as to which way I like better. Anyways most of the night I was in control Flogging willing victims teasing and being amused but I really love a good spanking. So I let my composure down and allowed myself to be cropped by this fierce vixen mmm. I really wanted more so I asked to be flogged apparently I caught the attention of the main event dude so he did it for me. then he lifted my skirt and spanked the shit out of my ass he asked if he could bite me and I am a sucker for that so I allowed him. (there is a point I promise) I felt not sexual desire from this I just really enjoyed the sensations. I felt I was fulfilling curiosities conducting my own experiment if you will. He presented me with a pass to the after party but I did decline because I knew I would only want to watch I 'm not ready for participation yet. My friend was so disgusted by my display that she reemed me a new one. I came on last night and talked to some wonderful people who helped because I seriously was on the brink of tears. Thank you to all I spoke to. I didn't sleep well last night ans still kinda feel uneasy. Has or is anoyne felt\feeling like this. I obviously don't have the support I need in my immediate circle and this has become my safe haven.

Any comments or experiences are GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you.

As for your experience at this club/party, I envy you. I'd love to experience one of those.

But as far as you not having the support of your "inner circle" (and by that I assume you mean your best friends)... One of the first things I learned here is that many people don't have the support. I've wanted soooo badly to tell my one bff everything. But I refuse to. Because it would change her perspective of the one person she can turn to and count on to be the "rock" so to speak. So I know where you're coming from there. If you'd like to talk, I'd love to have another friend. :)
02-13-2010
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiouslittleangel14

Not quite sure why I cant wrap my head around this but I think my underlying question is aside from the sexual aspect of Dom(me)/ sub reltionship how does the rest of it go? Is the Dom(me) always in charge of everything and does it always lead back to sex. Is the sub allowed to be an individual or is it completely different. And are slaves really slaves with no right or anything I'm reading some things online and i know BDSM is all based on trust is it the same for slaves or is that a whole different ball park? Sorry if it seems like I'm asking the same questions over again I just don't get it ? Thank you for all replies.

Back on the old alt.sex.bondage newsgroup some things were said so often they became acronyms, and one was TINOTW: There Is No One True Way. Also YKIOK: Your Kink Is OK.

In other words, whatever works for you is good. Set your BS detector to go off anytime someone tells you that "real" subs must do X Y or Z. You are a "real" sub right now, and you do what feels right for you.

To answer in detail: How much the Dom is in charge is entirely up to the individuals involved. At one end there are people who just enjoy occasional power play scenes, at the other are slaves whose Dom(me) controls every detail of their lives, and neither of them are more right or real than the other.

it doesn't have to be all about sex. I have had many part time subs who didn't want sex involved, and both of us have been happy with scenes that just involved D/s and power play. For me sex is the cherry on top, but I can enjoy the cake just fine without a cherry. Don't ever feel you have to pay for a scene by fucking someone you don't want.

Personally, I would never want a sub, even a 24/7 slave, to give up hir individuality. If I want mindless devoted obedience, I'll get a spaniel. And to be shamelessly intolerant, I don't respect Dom(me)s whose ambition is to make their slaves into robots. All ethical considerations apart (which they aren't,) where's the fun in dominating someone who can't even think of resisting?

And all slaves have rights outside of Fantasyland and inside the law, but some of them prefer to forget it because it spoils the dream. Another regular thing on alt.sex.bondage was the exchange where someone would say, I'm a real slave, not like you players, I obey my Master without any limits. And someone would ask, what if he wanted to kill you/fuck your children/cut off your arms? Well, but He never would. But if he did...? I submit totally because I know He would never abuse His power that way. But if he did...? Then it would destroy the trust our relationship is based on...

In other words, if he crossed her limits, he would no longer be her no-limits Master. It sometimes took a lot of back and forth to get there, but we stuck with it because we felt it was important to show the newbies that no-limits slavery is a great fantasy, but not a model for real life.

All just my not at all humble opinion, of course...
11-17-2010
Losalt

There's a lot of fantasies without that much root in the real world in the story part of this site.
The forum though is a great source for info. I would also recommend fetlife.com "the facebook of kink".
Anyway, being a sub isn't about not having a choice at all in what happens.
You choose what you want to be involved in and what you're open to trying out.
The whole point of the dom/sub stuff the way I see it is to realize our own fantasies and enjoy ourself, our kinks and our fellow kinksters while helping them to experience and enjoy theirs.

And like Kurius, I sort of envy you that experience in that party :-Þ

Before now I've lived in places without a community and now that I do have one nearby I simply don't have the time due to studying nor the courage to approach them ><