How to "Bring it Up" and Marriage

I've been into BSDM in one fashion or another since my first rape fantasies when I was a young girl. I've never identified with the scene as I find myself to be too complex for most "roles" that it seems folks want to identify with (THANK YOU to this site for challenging that assumption of mine).

Now that I'm married and our relationship is only sort of open (swinging ok with mutual consent and participation, happened only twice thus far), I'm negotiating a different kind of sex than I'm used to. As a long-time casual-sexer, I am only now realizing how much I loved it for the implicit power play -- I could be the seducer/ee, etc. My fella is very affectionate and we used to have great sex back in the day (ah, to be 20 something again), but, well . . . I enjoy the loving affection, but the power play is absent. I think a lot of that has to do with the whole marriage thing, and the different kind of sex it is from casual sex.

I see bdsm as an opportunity to bring some of that power play back into our sex life, but my fella just isn't interested. He says it feels "fake" and "silly" to him. Bless his heart that he'll talk and be open and considerate. Given my own misconceptions, I wonder if he, too, operates under mistaken assumptions that we have to adopt these foreign "roles" and play specific parts that don't organically arise from our own needs . . .

Anyhow, we're not entirely vanilla -- happy with anal play, the little bit o' swinging, ass-slappin' fun -- but I'd like to delve into many more flavors. I also recognize that he's into having sex in public and the idea totally turns me off, so I guess I'm a little too vanilla for him in some ways.

I'm just looking for suggestions on how we can explore, together, ways we can push ourselves without scaring off the hubbie with terms like sub/dom/flogging etc. I ask him to share his fantasies, and he doesn't seem to have many (not that he shares). He'll slap my ass when I ask, and occasionally on his own -- he likes to turn me on -- but that's about it. I keep hoping that there's some deep dark secret in there I can flesh out, but, well, it may not be the secret I'm hoping for anyhow (like that he wants to try on the dom shoes).

For me, an "affair" online or otherwise isn't an option. I really want to explore my sub side, but am not sure how to do this given our current situation. Thoughts would be great.




I'm really new to the internet community, and I have found this site to be helpful and non-judgmental. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts.

some parallels to my own situation and that of some others here. i have no solutions, but hope someone can say something that will help.
welcome to the site by the way :)

Well communication is key -

1. Ask him if he likes doing it - ask him if he likes doing (or would like to try)anything else.

2. Let him know that you like it (yeah he does know but make it explicit).

3. Talk to him, about experimenting with things... (this is expecially helpful if he has already answered #1 with other things that he would like to do)

5. Mention something outside of what you do with him... i.e. wax, bondage etc.

4. Buy him Easton and Hardy’s topping book. ( I think they have a new one out)

Or the direct approach, print out your favorite story from the library. Circle the parts you like with a hi-lighter and hand it to him. Wiggle seductively and ask "Can we do that?" It works when Jewel does it to me. LOL

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Originally Posted by TwistedTails

Or the direct approach, print out your favorite story from the library. Circle the parts you like with a hi-lighter and hand it to him. Wiggle seductively and ask "Can we do that?" It works when Jewel does it to me. LOL

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O, like the lovely story Oz and Jeanne tell of "A connection"?

:d

There are no rules for what your roles have to be. Domination need not be anything more than asserting ones "authority".

I had jeanne read me a short story the other day, it was something about a boss and his secretary taking dictation, and jeanne almost made it through the whole tale. I particularly enjoyed the part where he used her ass while I was using jeanne's.

[QUOTE=buDdha;800858]O, like the lovely story Oz and Jeanne tell of "A connection"?[/QUOTE

I see Oz is already been here, and brought good advice as usual, but yes, Like that. Afterwards he will probably read the rest of the story and perhaps try on those new "Dom" shoes for you.

Enjoy the adventure. :)

I wish I had some advice but my own marrige situation is just as bad . No mine is worse is many ways. After 20+ years of marrige, sex is basically just something I do every few weeks, like dye my hair. Only with hair dye the process takes longer and I get results.

You may find your sub side is not something you can just keep closing the closet door on as it was in my case. If it is a true part of you and not just a fleeting fantasy it will haunt you to no end. Little by little your satisfaction in anything else will dwindle away. Not just with sexual gratification but life in general if your core needs are not being met.

Your hubby is much more open, I would try to no end talking to him, not just about wants but needs. Even if the need right now is only to explore some.

I know you said an 'affair' online or otherwise for you was not an option.
Try re-thinking that some.
It is not an affair if he is aware and you have a open marrige. If this is something you wish to do with your hubby perhaps finding a online Dom who would work with both of you would be an option.
Good Luck, I hope you find what it is your seeking

You could try being really submissive during sex and making sure he is aware of how much you like it. I am not talking about calling him Master and so on but maybe letting him know that this time he is totally in charge and you will do anything he wants. You could even have some toys ready for him to use if he chooses. May work better after you have shown him some stories or even discussed it with him openly. Also, don't make it a pressure thing and don't be disappointed if he does not perform to the standard you want. Just have fun and build things from there.

I do have to ask one question: How would you feel if he kept bothering you in order to have sex outside with him? I am hoping with this question I may be making you consider his side of the situation. How willing are you to break what you suggest may be a limit in order to make him happy? That may be exactly the same willingness he has to do the same for you.

Perhaps consider a deal with him. One day a week (at least, more if you can manage it but work etc may interfere) when you make it a rule that you take it in turns to fulfill each other's fantasies. Start by sharing them first and giving each other time to plan (and you can keep your plans for him secret and he can keep his for you also secret so long as you both follow each other's general wants) then you can do whatever you like. On 'his' day you could prepare a night of sex outside (for example, you may decide to follow a less scary fantasy for you on the first time at least) and he could do something BDSM for you. The keeping it secret bit is not essential but adds to the fun and anticipation.

Hello Everyone,

I've had a good time keeping up with everyone's kind thoughts, appreciating your suggestions and perspectives. I wanted to give you an update. I sent my hubby one of those checklists that I've seen here and on other websites, that subs give their doms of what the limits are. I edited it slightly to make it pertinent to both partners. I'm sure you all have seen them in one version or another -- this one was huge, over a hundred possibilities including at least one thing I'd never heard of. I thought that being able to be clear so that he didn't have to worry about what he didn't know, and that he'd feel more comfortable with things in the concrete.

Then I panicked and told him to ignore it, but I got this really nice email back from him; here's what he said, exactly: "It's awesome! I love it. Let's go over it together." Then he came home, we giggled over my embarrassment, and also over some of the things on the list that seemed way out of our world.

We haven't yet gone over the list, but tonight when he left for his nightly walk, he smiled a glint in his eye at me and informed me "tomorrow morning your ass is mine." :hihi:

How lucky am I how open he is to me? I also want to mention a couple of comments that really resonated for me. Thank you, Oz, for reminding me that "Domination need not be anything more than asserting ones "authority"." I've enjoyed the opportunity to think more about my own desires, rather than stereotyped cathections. Also, PinkSugar, you're right that I don't have to assume it's impossible; Seems like I'm learning more and more that I can talk with the fella about what I'd like. Between the both of you, I'm reminded of the importance of being honest with myself about what I want before short circuiting that investigation with assumptions about what things are "supposed" to be like.

Finally, fetishdj (nice pix by the way), your idea of swapping fantasies is a great one. In fact, it's kind of sexy, a nice way to let go and have him run things.

One thing that's curious is that, this last week, I've been looking at things that make me anxious in a more accepting -- dare I say submitting -- manner, letting go of being in charge and doing my best to serve those around me. It's been nice. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Anyhow, I'll update you all again as things manifest. . .

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Originally Posted by buDdha

We haven't yet gone over the list, but tonight when he left for his nightly walk, he smiled a glint in his eye at me and informed me "tomorrow morning your ass is mine." :hihi:

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Update! Update!

One think my wife and I did was to write out several fantasies on note cards. After a little champagne we read each others and discussed them and how we felt about them....It worked for me/us