topping from the bottom

Hi,
I'm new to being a sub and have a very understanding wonderful dom, I want to be the best I can for him, but catch my self often trying to top from the bottom and I was wondering if any one has any suggestions on how to catch myself before the fact. we live a 24/7 relationshiip, with the exception we do not bring it out for the world to see and he is real careful not to show it in front of my children, but that does not mean he does not demand the same respect from me wether we are alone or in public, Just a small example would be we're going some where, He knows where and how to get there, but I suddenly blurt out...turn here or park here....Little comments like that, I would really like to learn to bite my tougne.

Thanks Poptart

Make it a service. "Does master want me to navigate?"

Other examples.... think like an executive assistant... "Does master want me to arrange the reservations?" "Does master want me to create the menu?" (for cooking at home.)

If he says no, wear a blindfold during the trip, don't take a menu at the restaurants, at home create choices, put together the options and ask for his decisions.

You can make your environment successful for you as a sub if you remember you are providing the services to your master and present them that way.

Those are all really great ideas and I will try some of them, but in general, he gives me much room to make my own choices, i:e when I ask what he would like for dinner the answer is normaly, "whatever you would like to cook"

Poptart

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Originally Posted by poptart

Those are all really great ideas and I will try some of them, but in general, he gives me much room to make my own choices, i:e when I ask what he would like for dinner the answer is normaly, "whatever you would like to cook"

Poptart

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Well no wonder you're 'topping from the bottom' then...

Not all Masters are perfect- the answer to that would be 'whatever pleases you Master'. Or maybe give him some choices.

Seems to me that a lot of 'topping from the bottom' is done by a sub who doesn't have a clear direction, or doesn't feel like she's being Dommed.

Just my opinion...

Tojo

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Originally Posted by poptart

Those are all really great ideas and I will try some of them, but in general, he gives me much room to make my own choices, i:e when I ask what he would like for dinner the answer is normaly, "whatever you would like to cook"

Poptart

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I know how you feel poptart (love that name). Because of my willingness to serve and wanting to make sure I do it right, sometimes I found myself topping from the bottom. Mostly, I found my service felt incomplete or empty because of it. For me, like Tojo pointed out, because of my lack of direction and lack of real domination, my relationship turned hollow with my husband. I do have a Sir and a Daddy and they both know exactly what they want and expect, which is such a releif. I hate when given choices. I would rather be told, and that's the end of it. Sometimes though, they both give me chioces and, of course, they are choices I would rather not make.

Have you discussed your feelings to him about how you need and want him to take more of the choices away? Even though dinner may not seem like a big deal or chore for him to enforce but for you it is. I find that it's the smaller decisions that are taken away from me that I feel more together and able to serve better.

I hope I made sense to you....

subwife

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I hope I made sense to you....

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Well pardon me for butting in, but that made beautiful sense to me subwife.

Sound sense from someone at the 'coalface', with their head screwed on tight. :cheerlead

Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Well pardon me for butting in, but that made beautiful sense to me subwife.

Sound sense from someone at the 'coalface', with their head screwed on tight. :cheerlead

Tojo

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Thanks Tojo.....

Well I don't mind that he allows me the small choices in things, I actually feel comfortable with that, I just need to learn to bite my tounge when not give a choice or when not asked for my input on things. But we talked the other night and I feel much better and back in my place, I read an artical that said, to act as if the change already happened and I am going to try to apply that to myself. Thanks for all your coments though.

poptart

Keep us apprised of your progress. I'm sure we'll all be interested in reading about your experiences... :hubba:

I am guilty of topping from the bottom too. We just moved in together after having an online relationship. It is a whole new world being 24/7 and sometimes I find myself blurting things out that if I only stopped a moment and thought I wouldn't do. I also sometimes get myself in trouble by doing what I want because it honestly doesn't occur to me that I was suppose to ask him. All I know is it's hard and you got to be on her toes always thinking about what your doing.

Wouldn't life be boring if we were all perfect anyway?

A sub needs to be trained, & on occasion a Dom makes mistakes too...
:)


Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

on occasion a Dom makes mistakes too...

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Shhhh!

I also worried about topping from the bottom especially when Master and I first got together. I was very inexperienced in the lifestyle. Reading about it and having a long distance internet/telephone relationship is totally different experience than having a Master I am with almost every day. Our relationship started out more S/m than D/s and so my topping from the bottom concerns were originally based on activities when we were in session. I did speak about my fears to Master because I did think that it was the greatest sin that a slave could commit. I didn't want to undermine his authority or overstep my bounds. He assured me that it is never topping if I remember how to ask for what I desire. I can not say I want or need something, as a slave I have no right to have wants or needs but i can make a request as a wish or a desire. The phrases "I want" and "I need" have been more or less eradicated from my vocabulary and if they slip in I get that look that says I had better back peddle as fast as I can.

So for example when we are in session if I desire the use of a particular whip I can politely inform Master that I wish that he would give me ten more lashes with Keira. A request that when stated properly would never be refused. Master can be very accommodating when approached in the correct manner and I can't remember a time when he has refused me anything when I have made a request in this way.

As we moved more into the D/s realm Master has made it clear that there are certain things that are my responsibility to decide on. All minor decisions are mine, such as what is on the menu for supper or what I wear. He says he makes decisions all week at work and doesn't want to be bother by the small stuff. As his slave one of my most important responsibilities is to make his life easier. If I am unsure of what he would like I ask him directly for his input and if possible give him choices. He is actually very easy going with most things but that does not preclude the fact that he can ask me to make changes if he is unhappy with what I am preparing or what I am wearing. I now know better what he likes and what he expects, as we progress and I allow my enslavement to deepen this happens less and less.

One of the things that helps me remember my Ps and Qs is that I always address him as Sir. I rarely call him by his given name even in public. The fact that I wear symbols of my slavery 24/7 also helps to remind me of my place. Still there are times that I forget and that is when Master gives me the look, he then rolls his eyes in such a way that says "why me" while I am making my apologies. He often teases me that I am completely untrainable and totally incorrigible and it will take him a lifetime to try to train me. ( A prospect that we both are very much looking forward to.)

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Originally Posted by eviana

One of the things that helps me remember my Ps and Qs is that I always address him as Sir. I rarely call him by his given name even in public. The fact that I wear symbols of my slavery 24/7 also helps to remind me of my place. Still there are times that I forget and that is when Master gives me the look, he then rolls his eyes in such a way that says "why me" while I am making my apologies. He often teases me that I am completely untrainable and totally incorrigible and it will take him a lifetime to try to train me. ( A prospect that we both are very much looking forward to.)

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I love this!! I hope training for me takes a lifetime and that he never gets bored. One of the things he told me from the beginning is that he loves a challenge. Well....I don't plan to disappoint my Sir. :hubba:

I also have my collar on all the time. I call him Sir or Daddy which does help remind me of my submission. I sure do love life is all I know!!

I am extremely submissive, but I have found myself doing this.

I am very manipulative and very good at getting my way in basically every situation. I have made it a point to bring this up and discuss this when going into a D/s situation. It helps the Dom to be more on guard and to push me a little further.

Sometimes I used to use reverse physcology to get what I wanted. I just realized that.. as much as I wanted to say... have an orgasm, I wanted him to be in complete control of me. So why was I going against that?

Its takes a lot of time,training, and self control.. but you must make it a mental note to change it. If you feel yourself doing it, speak up.

Say "Master, I am having feelings of control/dominance/topping (whatever) Please don't give into me... " or something like that. express exactly what you are feeling so that he can learn the signs of what you do when topping.

If you honestly feel you enjoy topping. Then perhaps you are switch? Maybe it is time to discuss this with a Master.

Anya