Quote Originally Posted by Numinosity View Post
At no point in your almost 1000 word post do you at any point mention trust or caring for your partner, which gives me the suspicion that you just look at the sex, and don’t care for the relationship due to your past experiences with other people. BDSM and especially the slave/master relationship is about trust and love. And when you write about sex in ways such as this:

You give me the impression that sex and relationship are two different things in your mind. Trust is such a huge part of BDSM, that it (in my opinion) overshadows the sex. It is about giving up your body to another person/taking control of the body of another person. Unless people felt completely safe, they wouldn’t do this. These types of relationships are about bringing pleasure (and the most delicious forms of pain) to yourself and your partner. To be with a partner who you trust to such a degree is a beautiful thing, so when you write about it with words such as “self-destructive”, it comes off to me as condescending.

You give me the impression that this is really not about you wanting to learn more about the BDSM mindset, but rather is an attempt to rationalize and deal with your past trauma. I’m sorry that life has been tough on you and you seem to have a lot of things you need to get off your chest. This place is open and has a lot of caring and awesome people who I am sure is open for a chat should you want to talk to them. Thanks for taking the time to write this post and welcome to the site.
I'll be honest I think you hit the nail on the head to a good extent, my apologies if this came off as condesending, it wasn't meant to be. As result of my past I think i have compartmentalized the both sex and relationships out of a lack of trust. My other reason for asking these now evidently emotionally skewed questions is I have had an on going fwb with a dominant who has been very kind and gentle in his treatment of me, yet firmly dominant in most things. He has helped me immensely to deal with my trauma. And has been a great mentor to me in a lot of things. He wanted to start a dom/sub relationship with me and I kind of freaked internally and I think he could tell even though I tried to approach it calmly and respectfully, he hasn't brought it up since. The thing that scared me is that I loved the idea of being watched over and to a certain extent controlled by him it put me at peace and calmed my mind immensely, it put me at ease in a way I couldn't understand nor comprehend. That scared the ever loving hell out of me, as everyone who has ever had any control over me has used it for their own satisfaction to the detriment of my own happiness and well being, as such I have built up my freedoms in rebellion against that, as i see most people as inherently self serving with only a few exceptions. So the fact that being controlled by someone could make me happy scared the shit out of me and shook my perception of self in a way only confronting my trauma has done. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation and due to the fact I am transitioning he has made it clear that he will not continue our FWB sexually but would still like to have a normal friendship, which is fine with me at the current point. I guess my major question is should I take any further action on these newly realized feelings, and also how can I reconcile that with my burning desire for complete freedom (or atleast as close an approximation to it as this world allows), that if I get down to brass tacks that is the real question I am trying to answer. I also fear losing my edge as a person and I take my intellectual pursuits and career plans very seriously as intellectual freedom and personal success are very important to me, as I desperately crave stability, as I have never had it until recently. I am sorry if this thread has come off as a bit too self serving and I probably should have spoken with more candor from the get go, but it is exceedingly hard for me to truly trust people.

Sincerely
Fenea