For me, the real issue is the place of bdsm in a sexual relationship.

If it is a relationship, it is about sex so whatever form the sexual activity takes, it is still sexual.

BDSM is a trigger, a stimulant that enhances the excitement and the enjoyment of sex. It is the unfailing way for a suitably disposed man to become rock hard in seconds, and a woman to become engorged, wet and ready.

Having a trigger may mean that it becomes necessary as an adjunct to sex, which happens when we become conditioned to the use of a particular trigger, like the feel of a particular kind of rope, or the sight of a woman struggling in bondage. That is when we are permitted to call it a fetish, and others might be justified in calling us obsessed,

Those who are lucky enough to continue to respond to many kinds or eroticism, but enjoy bdsm, may be the luckiest, because they do not depend on a trigger that may not suit their partner, and can still be fully satisfied by sex without a bdsm component.

A woman who is not into bdsm once asked me why some women enjoy being whipped or caned. I suggested that it might have something to do with blood rushing to a certain part of the body. Oh, she said and asked no more.

If bdsm did not produce immediate sexual arousal I would not bother with it. It enhances tactile sensitivity, everything the partner does is eye candy, and it reinforces my sexual role.

What it does not do, for me, is remove the respect I have for the woman who gives me total trust and the privilege of being in control.