Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

[tessa]

What a great idea, his j! This is valid for so many here.

You may also want to look here-
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8618

Hopefully between here and there, we can utilize the information and experiences shared so that our lives can be as fulfilling as possible.

Thanks for starting this!

tessa

[jeanne]

After querying tessa about whether this thread should remain since something similar exists elsewhere (see her post above), her response was to leave as another place we can share information and experiences.

[cadence]

Well I will write something, but just don't know how to start yet.
I have a hard time trying to put my thoughts into something tangible.

[jeanne]

cadence - me too! I am trying to sort out my thoughts for this post so it won't be so disorganized/stream of conciousness (see some of my other posts for an example of this ) I hope to post something coherent tonight.

[jeanne]

Okay, here goes
My husband and I have been together 22 years, married almost 20, 4 children. Our marriage has been through most every possible configuration - Leave it to Beaver style, then modified, then me a student while he worked and took care of kids/house, then 2-career, now I am the primary support but he also works (Will be semi-retired in a couple of years). We've also had our ups and downs as a couple - several years ago I thought divorce was only a matter of time (I had already packed my bags mentally).

I finally became so unhappy that I was able to believe that maybe it wasn't all his fault. I stopped drinking (with the help of AA) and began to acquire a desire to change myself and open my heart to him - something I'd never really done. Then an amazing thing happened - I fell in love with him again, but even better. I began to really trust him with myself, my heart and soul, and have faith that he loved me, for better or for worse. As my trust and love and faith increased, I also began to trust myself and start listening to what my heart and body wanted.

So, what did I want? I have always had a "shameful" attraction to erotic pain which I stuffed deep down the moment it reared its ugly head. It seemed abnormal, wrong, sick, twisted - whatever. And even when I did actually fantasize about it, I sure couldn't imagine sharing that with my husband. But, in the process of rediscovering my love and sexuality, I began to honor all my desires.

Now, fast forward a few months... During a bout of intense phone sex, I confessed some of my secret submissive desires. Specifically, a desire to be spanked, hard, and then held down and fucked in the ass. Yes, those were the exact words I used. When my husband came home, he proceeded to do exactly that! It was wonderful - everything I had hoped for and I felt calm, grateful, proud, content and peaceful afterward. (I particularly enjoyed admiring my bruises on a daily basis ) Unfortunately, nothing else happened for several more months, until I found this website a couple of weeks ago. It gave me the courage (thank you, everyone!) to bring up the subject with him again. I gave him a letter of thanks that I had written the day after that great evening, (but had been too nervous to actually give to him - it seemed silly) and then said how much I'd like to do this again, and more. I mentioned checklists and safewords and the fact that they can alleviate his fear of hurting me in a non-erotic way.

What happened? Well, he asked for some time to think and process, then gave me a nice bout of very mild D/s sex the next day, and seemed to enjoy himself. Since then, he has become more dominant (in a still very vanilla way) each time we have sex. This past weekend I gave him a copy of The Loving Dominant, a BDSM checklist and a note asking him to read and then talk with me when he's ready. That's where we are right now.

I wouldn't have had the courage to approach him again without the wonderful support here. Just reading the forum posts written by those experienced in real-life power exchange relationships, whether full-time or only occasional, has helped me learn and grow and understand what it takes to bring this into our life and what gifts we can get from it.

The most important thing I've learned in the past few weeks is patience. I wanted to just rush into everything, but now the anticipation of going slowly really turns me on. From everything I've read, it's always better to want more than to go too far too soon, so that's the approach I'm taking to all of this.

I hope this helps another submissive who is wondering how the heck she/he is going to approach her/his partner. Please, read the posts by the many helpful, experienced submissives throughout the forums. They know a lot more than I do!

Have a wonderful, blessed day!

[cadence]

Thanks for sharing your story his_j

I think my story probably depicts what happens when your partner does not share your attraction to BDSM and what happens when you both don't communicate effectively.
And sorry it is rather long, and choppy.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 19 years now. We live a pretty normal existence in my opinion, and have only had two major fights within that span. We probably get along well seeing that we work opposite shifts, and since I started a new job three years ago, we only really see each other on the weekends.

Even though both of us never fully realized it, I have always been submissive around him, by doing small things that made him happy and proud that I was his girlfriend.
Doing these things made me happy and always wanting to do more.
He in turn helped me to overcome my insecurities and become a more independent and productive person.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

My fantasies and desires, of bondage and pain, have been with me for as long as I can remember. Never knowing about BDSM or kinky sex for that matter, led me to believe that my thoughts were deviant and should be suppressed. It also did not help that I was diagnosed with OCD and have pure-o, so I assumed that my thoughts on sex were just another part of it.
(Only pure-o’s are repulsed and would never act out their own thoughts. I wanted to act out my fantasies and they were pleasant to think about; that confused me even more.)

Later on I began to discover that there was a whole other world out there that accepted kinky and deviant. It was a normal to fantasize and even normal to act out some of those fantasies.
It was when my boyfriend one day casually pointed out an ex-girlfriend to me and proceeded to tell me that she like to be tied up, and that it was definitely not his cup of tea; my heart sank.
Being tied up was something I wanted, but without even knowing I wanted it, he had already answered a question I was trying to work up the nerve to ask.

I suppressed all urges and tried to move on. It was about that time that we eventually started to grow and change, not entirely in different directions, but enough to make a bit of a difference. All of a sudden he withdrew from sex, and while I did ask he never gave me a definite reason, and still to this day I do not know why.
I assumed it was all my fault, and became despondent.

I stopped trying and started to become lethargic, only getting up in the morning to go to work, do the necessary housework and then nothing else at all.
I eventually smartened up and started to become a little more functional. I started to explore BDSM even more and ended up living vicariously through others experiences and stories.

I met a few people on line who attempted to help me through my struggles, but could do little at the time. I wanted to communicate my needs to my boyfriend and let him know what made me tick and what I wanted from him. I was uncertain how to approach the subject, so I inadvertently let him see what sites I was on and what I enjoyed looking at.
He could not comprehend how anyone could enjoy or be attracted to any aspect of my interests; so my plan to encourage him to try out a few things was squashed on the spot.


My boyfriend became more intimate with me, but I now started to withdraw from him, and figured that as long as he was happy and satisfied, I did not need him to satisfy me.
If he did not enjoy what I did, and he would not try, I felt I did not have to try. I realize that it was not the best thing to do, but seeing no other alternative; I made the decision and stuck with it.
Eventually he became irritated, and I ended up withdrawing even more.
Through small confrontations, he coaxed the whole problem out of me. He could not understand or grasp the appeal or the attraction to what I wanted.

So there I was in a long term relationship, with someone whom I cared deeply about, but could see no future of exploring BDSM, or anything even remotely on the kinky side.
The more I learned about my submissive side, the more I realized that I longed to explore and express it further, and the more I knew it was not going to just go away that easily.


I tried to alleviate my needs on line, but fear of intimacy with anyone else wrecked any possibilities of that happening. I was not satisfied with an online relationship, because I wanted to experience it in real life.

I again became depressed and unmotivated to make any positive changes.
I was once again confronted and tried my best to explain why and how I felt. We only discussed it briefly and he agreed to try.
There was never again another discussion, but he attempted to appease me with what he wanted, and not what I expressed what I wanted.

He likes to pinch and that is about what we have done for the past four months. I have tried to offer him books to read, but he says he will in time.
I would like to sit down and have a conversation, but seeing that our time together is limited, we never get around to it. I may be wrong, but I do believe that he avoids the issue and hopes it will go away, that it is just a passing phase I will eventually get over.

For now, I have made an effort to get out of the funk I have created for myself, because I cannot make the situation any better by becoming more withdrawn and sullen.
I cannot just leave, because we do share a special bond together, but I cannot just stay and be unhappy or settle because that is neither fair to him or myself.

I hope that by having a more positive outlook on things, it may in turn be helpful to our current situation, and help towards communicating more with each other.

I do know that giving up is not really an option I am willing to do right now, and will continue to try until I know that there is absolutely nothing left that I can do.

How I am going to keep on trying is something I am still trying to figure out.

[jeanne]

cadence,

I didn't find your story too long or choppy at all! I have felt so much of what you have - for me, a lot of it was fear that I just didn't love this guy enough, even though we stayed together year after year, had a family, went through so much together and I couldn't imagine my life without him - for a long time I wasn't sure I wanted life with him forever either.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

This really hit home with me - I was perfectly happy"?" with once a month or so, he wasn't. For a long time I just wasn't really "present" when we had sex, you know? Any discussion was usually initiated by him, really more complaining about the lack of sex rather than a discussion. Of course, I would try for a while and then give up. Just like you said, it was boring and I didn't feel love from him, rather it just felt like need (the "clingy, you're my wife by God and I'm not getting it anywhere else" kind of need). Truthfully, I became more loving and accepting of his love when I stopped drinking and started taking a really hard look at myself. After a few (pretty good) years, I guess I was finally mentally and emotionally ready to accept my very hidden submissiveness.

The hardest part for me is talking with him about it. Is he going to think I'm crazy, an idiot, wonder who I am and where did I stash his wife's body? I talked about it over the phone the first time (felt safer) and got a good response from him when he returned home, but then the subject just seemed to *poof*. I waited almost 6 months to bring it up again.

How does he feel? I just don't know. I'm not getting an overwhelmingly enthusiastic response, but there is some willingness to try. If he decides this isn't for him, I won't leave him. I love him, no matter what. I'll just have a really hot fantasy life, and do what I can within our life to satisfy my need to feel submissive.

Online relationships aren't for me either - it would just feel like a betrayal - plus I'm just more of a real-life girl. I'll stop by to see friends rather than call, go to a coworker's office rather than email, I just prefer to deal with people face-to-face when possible.

The support here has been super-helpful to me. Just reading the posts - funny, exciting, sad, sexy - reminds me that I'm not some sort of freak. Right now, I'm hoping te meet some other submissive women in real-life, so I'm going to a "munch" next week. I'm pretty nervous about it, but this feels right to do, so I'm going to do it.

cadence, I hope you find a way to get at least a little bit of what you need from your boyfriend. Continue to be loving and supportive of his minor efforts, who knows, maybe he'll do a little more. One thing I have done lately is let my husband know right after sex what he does that I particularly like - for example, holding my head/hair tightly when I go down on him. This seems to be encouraging him to go a little bit farther each time. I know he wants me to be happy - he always has - so I still have hope.

Whew! Talk about rattling on! I suspect that's enough from me for now!

Have a wonderful day...

[Playfulsub]

Thanks for your story, jeanne. I just found tessa's yesterday, and I like having a bandwagon I can jump on. Hubby and I have been together over 14 years and have just recently begun to explore our D/s sides. The one thing I've learned from reading here is that I'll have to be patient. That's not one of my strong points, but I aim to try!