Why do many BDSM people look down on switches?

[lucy]

I've been reading through this thread and it kinda, yeah, left me sad. There's all this talking about us folks in the lifestyle are soooo openminded and welcoming to different points of views but when it comes down to actually act accordingly all that talking appears to be a lot of hipocrisy.

I think one of the reasons why switches are looked down upon may be that they are crossing the neatly drawn borders between subs and Doms and by doing that they "threaten" some peoples' image of themselves, or even their identity.

[Mothra!!!]

I've been reading through this thread and it kinda, yeah, left me sad. There's all this talking about us folks in the lifestyle are soooo openminded and welcoming to different points of views but when it comes down to actually act accordingly all that talking appears to be a lot of hipocrisy.

*sigh* I hear ya.

I think one of the reasons why switches are looked down upon may be that they are crossing the neatly drawn borders between subs and Doms and by doing that they "threaten" some peoples' image of themselves, or even their identity.

I'd say that if a person is truly secure in his/her/hir identity as a dom(me), sub, whatever, then the fact that other people do not categorize themselves in exactly the same way shouldn't make any difference. And one won't ever been viewed as the Most Dominant Dom of All or Subbiest Sub Ever by trying to negate the choices of others. I think that dom/sub tendencies, like gender identity and sexual orientation, can be far more fluid and less a matter of "either/or" than is commonly believed.

[ghostgirl]

*sigh* I hear ya.



I'd say that if a person is truly secure in his/her/hir identity as a dom(me), sub, whatever, then the fact that other people do not categorize themselves in exactly the same way shouldn't make any difference.

At the risk of making myself instant persona non grata, why do we care so much? A personal level of comfort with my own needs/desires, feelings, and identity and the companionship of kindred spirits is, imo, far more likely to bring me happiness and fun than seeking the validation of others who can't relate to me.

...if a person is truly secure in his/her/hir identity as a switch....

[Mothra!!!]

At the risk of making myself instant persona non grata, why do we care so much? A personal level of comfort with my own needs/desires, feelings, and identity and the companionship of kindred spirits is, imo, far more likely to bring me happiness and fun than seeking the validation of others who can't relate to me.

...if a person is truly secure in his/her/hir identity as a switch....

Well, that's sorta my point too

But unless I'm reading the entire thread wrong, it sounds like thir and others have been frustrated by trying to interact merely on a casual level with folks who can't even grasp the concept of being a switch. That gets tiresome after you've run into it enough times, especially when you're just looking for some friendly discussion on an email list or are trying to socialize at a munch. Having encountered similar attitudes in an entirely different context, I can sympathize.

But you're right: ultimately you've got to do what makes you happy and content and ignore the naysayers.

[ghostgirl]

Well, that's sorta my point too

i didn't miss it, Mothra

[thir]

..unless I'm reading the entire thread wrong, it sounds like thir and others have been frustrated by trying to interact merely on a casual level with folks who can't even grasp the concept of being a switch. That gets tiresome after you've run into it enough times, especially when you're just looking for some friendly discussion on an email list or are trying to socialize at a munch. Having encountered similar attitudes in an entirely different context, I can sympathize.

My point exactly, and I am not used to that where I come from and so was seeking an explanation, plus I think that there is enough pressure on non-mainstream people that we should stick together. Thirdly, I do not like the tendency by some to be one-wayish and down talk other kinds of paths because, as I have seen and read, newcomers at times try desperately to fit into a box where they really do not belong, because they have been told that that is the way to be. It can be heart-wrenching to listen to and makes me furious.

But you're right: ultimately you've got to do what makes you happy and content and ignore the naysayers.

I agree, that is the way to do it. Never mind the self-appointed 'nobility' and dogma, let's be heretics ;-)

[leo9]

I've been reading through this thread and it kinda, yeah, left me sad. There's all this talking about us folks in the lifestyle are soooo openminded and welcoming to different points of views but when it comes down to actually act accordingly all that talking appears to be a lot of hipocrisy.

I think one of the reasons why switches are looked down upon may be that they are crossing the neatly drawn borders between subs and Doms and by doing that they "threaten" some peoples' image of themselves, or even their identity.

Yep, you've hit the thumb right on the nail there. And one of the ironic things is that, as shadowcast said, a lot of people come into the scene as subs and then discover a dom side {hugs thir}.

It really does look as if most BDSM people can go both ways, it's just that some strongly prefer one way over the other. So if this means we shouldn't make distinctions (which I don't believe, but for purposes of argument...) then logically, we should be discarding the categories "Dom" and "sub" and classing everyone as different kinds of switch. I don't advocate it myself, because all terms are useful so long as you remember that the map is not the territory, but it's more logical than discarding the category of "switch".