Domestic Discipline

[amanda_serve]

I've gotten writers block

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/s...p?storyid=8568

Yes, I know that the grammar/punctuation may need some sharpening.

I am more interested in whether this story is worth rewriting from the ground up and continuing. What is good about it, etc.

I generally like to feed off other people's ideas and mesh them with my own. Constructive feedback appreciated.

I realize two things/anticipate two suggestions;

I introduced a younger character into the story which raises people hackles. My intention there was to actually have a reason to show a little more discrestion around them, add some tension.
If I were to rewrite I would probably take this person out.

Some of the fetishes/descriptions are not everyone's cup of tea. I make no apologies for that. I went with what felt organic to the situation and was raw/gritty.

[leo9]

It's not so much the technical side - grammar and punctuation - as the tone. It rambles so that it's often hard to work out what's supposed to be happening or being said. If you're trying to get the voice of an airheaded character, it works, but a person like that is a pain to listen to for long; you need to tone it down and make it clearer.

[amanda_serve]

okay, sorry I wrote it in my own 'voice' thanks for your bluntness. I've never heard that take on my writing before.

I will admit, it doesn't follow the typical story style of "This happened, then this happened, then that" as if its an inventory of events without context.

I had hoped it provided that and more.

Sorry.

[Austerus]

It's does ramble, and doesn't have much focus. As you know the grammar is kind of a mess.

A larger issue is that this is a story about an 8th grader being placed in an abusive situation by a person who is supposed to be her protector. I very much dislike stories about children and can't stomach reading very far into it.

[amanda_serve]

Why didn't you read the story codes before you bothered?

[Austerus]

It's my habit to just link through and start reading if someone asks for feedback, but you're right. The codes were there and I could have read them more carefully.

[Austerus]

Mea culpa.

I've been thinking about this a lot through last night and this morning, and my original response was out of line. I had a long day yesterday and found your story unpleasant and disturbing, but I shouldn't have reacted as aggressively as I did. I enjoy and write plenty of fiction that others would find very disturbing and that I would never condone in real life. You certainly don't have any less right to partake in fictional fantasy than I do.

While I can't understand the attraction of the subject matter I shouldn't have attacked you any more than I would like for someone to attack me. If you write something else and would like more detailed feedback, and if it's not in the realm of children, incest, snuff, or animals, then I would be happy to take a look and help how I can.

[amanda_serve]

It is okay Austerus.

I actually asked them to delete all my stories off the site.

I had written some others.

Family Feud was twelve chapters in length. It described how the two men (out of shape, internet porn obsessed losers) and the dynamic, modern wife and energetic/cheerful daughter sort of come to odds over the fact the men aren't pulling their weight. The girls try at first playful teasing and chastisement, but one thing leads to another and they end up cuckolding the guys out of the house to shame them into exercising and to stop blaming others for their shortcomings.

Family Feud II (I am up to chapter twenty). Turnabout is fair play, as the women get a taste of their own medicine. The girls actually AGREE to payback once they realize they took it too far and to heal the rift in the family. I had more fun writing this one. I also found a way to spell check, which I didn't have at the time I wrote domestic discipline so it is a little cleaner.

Lastly, I started on something I called "Hard Times", I only made it to chapter six. It was about a teenage girl from middle-America, who has to move from the suburbs into the trailer park with her trashy cousins. It is more playful about dares, games and the sort, but I had planned to make it a little more darker and twisted as it went on.

The subject matter, is simple:
I am an adult, and playing around with these notions in my head, hurts no one. Nor should it hurt any other adult who also enjoys the taboo aspects of it.

But, yah, I decided to pull up stakes and look for greener pastures to put my stories. All the reviews were negative, and they kept my email addy in the authors list, which meant people were sending me strange yahoo instant messages.

If you know of other sites let me know. The only others I know of are asstr.org and storiesonline.net

Thank you for the apology in any case. It is much appreciated and accepted.

[delish]

The story you linked had a rating of 8/10 when I looked, so... maybe your decision to pick up and leave was a little hasty? You asked for feedback and then got defensive when it was given. No writer should ever write without a good editor and expect their works to be flawless; I don't care if you're the Bard himself. Other than Austerus' comment on a bad day (what an absolutely beautiful apology, though!), your feedback in this thread is all constructive. That's exactly what you should be looking for in feedback, both in reviews and in editing. I don't know if you'll come back and read this, but I hope you do. I'm sensitive to criticism too, and I expect that sharing the story I'm currently working on will be hard, and I'll want to defend my "artistic" choices, but I will do my best not to give up, regardless. If you enjoy writing, then continue to write! If you don't want to change a thing, then don't! But don't ask for criticism and get offended when it is given. Either way, I hope you do well.

[amanda_serve]

Actually, the reason I primarily left is the webmaster has not taken down my personal email, despite asking him several times.

I am fairly happy on storiesonline.net

Give me a look there, I think I've progressed very well as a story teller since Domestic Discipline.

[amanda_serve]

There was a several posts of negative feedback directly associated to the stories. Not just the "IF you were going for the voice of an airhead, you captured it" of the original feedback. It just wasn't in this thread.

Having said that, I wrote completely without spellcheck/grammar tools. I've since found Word 2010 and done a much better job on the technical side of writing (IMHO)

I am particularly proud of the Family Feud series.

http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Amanda_Serve/

Here are all my stories in a nice easy to find place.

I am presently working on Family Feud III, it is a continuation of the other two. I went back to FF1 and polished it up recently.

I am even keeping a 'companion' page with all the characters, Easter eggs, etc.